almost colorful.

It's a puzzle.

In the dark we can feel cold squares
filled with mysteries
the unknown.
if we close our eyes
we can imagine our fears
and the ideas can attack us.

I prefer the idea of
tinned cookies.
the homemade kind
in the silver tin box
sealed
and mailed first class.
and maybe somewhere else
a book about trees
and a child learning to read.
maybe in a different language
with people painting smiles
on the faces of dolls
and maybe they're hungry.
and maybe someone will notice.

Smaller problems are addressed
with envelopes.
and stamps.
and sometimes fit in boxes.

my ears are ringing.

he whispers
"Quiet, please"

and we try
and sometimes it's just painful
and we close our eyes
and we let it eat the silence
and we watch it
cloudy and swirling

We listen to the time fall
and we breath in to say words
but they're already gone
shaking in the atmosphere
icy, and jagged
slippery.
he whispers again
"quiet, please"
and sometimes we feel it
just before it slides away
into the broken pieces
scattered across the nation.
from one side to another.

sometimes we are simply moved.

No Kings

let me remind you
that it was you
who said you were sorry first.
and had you not apologized
I wouldn't of jumped off the fence
in the first place.
It's just
I know you
and when you apologize
it's never good.
and when you ask me for my forgivness
I know it's going to hurt
the words that come next.
and that's why I jumped.
I didn't want to know why
or what you had figured out
and I had no more energy
to figure out my next move
and I just wanted to feel the wind in my hair
for a few seconds
before things started to hurt
because lying here
I at least know why it happened
And I don't have to wonder anymore
I don't have to put anything back together
With luck I won't have to worry about getting help
anymore.
It's my pain
and I saw it start
or at least saw it coming
with my eyes open
I took control
But if I must
I apologize.

a minor injection.

Can I just be vague for a second
and tell you that I need you
that I would like nothing more than you
to come over
with a box of dollar store toys
and I want to film us running around
filling time with squirt guns, paper flamingos, and
maybe those little cowboy costumes?
I want to take pictures of you when you're mad
Cause I just told you your Xbox is probably
the least important thing to me
in the world.
I really want you to be mad at me for forgetting to call
before I come over
and for me being friends with your cute sister
and not minding hanging out with your family
even if you're not around
I want to pop in on you after class
and I want you to tell me I have to let you have time with your other friends
and that you need space cause I'm just around too much
and that when you invite me to hang with the guys
you're just being nice, and maybe I should get some other friends?
I want that to be our biggest problem
too much time together.
Now I'll be straightforward
we don't even exsist
so we can have whatever it is we want
I just wish that the real world was like that
that we had air balloons to fly away in
and kites to crash land
I just wish.

needs inspiration.

 I have dreams
about being tied up
and bound a the feet of people I care about
and I always feel like
my life is in their hands
and I'm always afraid of what they'll do
I'm afraid of what it is I deserve
I'm afraid that they weren't the ones I was supposed to trust
but they're the ones I infected 
 the ones that I let myself grow from
I'm always afraid
Merciless vengeance and
retribution seems more plausible
I'm always afraid
that they're disgusted by my imprisonment
that they'll throw away the keys
and the maps and the instructions
and lock me further away
out of sight so they don't have to see me
so that they can't see my pleading eyes
so they don't see me beg

I always wake up.
and I stay afraid to ask for help.

silent h

white and pink nails

slinder white fingers
moving and clicking
and dancing to the sound
of running and breathing and
once it was more simple
once it was more like cake frosting
or scooping iced cream
or chipping at paint
or  assuming you knew him as well
like our neighbor
the one with the long list
of things he'd done and
things he wanted to do
for the world, for himself
for me
forgetting the rules
we had long nights
and long laughs
and long intended to see
the future together
when I got here alone
it took me awhile to accept
it was a dream
In your dream we end up flying
with crooked fingers
and half ideas

and lists.

the wall

plastic bags
torn and knotted
on strands of barbed fence
blowing in a silent wind
(yellow glass)
there is a yearning
a feeling
we don't know how to talk about
we haven't moved past loving
and missing
into a deeper something
 it's right there
between your heart and your soul
and it bites
it doesn't want to be named
arbitrarily.
it controls the tears
and chokes us when we try
it leads us to forget and to write about other
clear and sharable feelings
to sing about loss, and warmth
and glitter
it guides us to kiss
to linger in each others eyes
until we are caught
until we pass by
the secret.

I closed my eyes and

the rain pounded the walls
it shook
and broke down my surroundings
nothing in reality would bring me back
the damned Grandfather Clock struck
and struck and struck
the only sound left in my world
these new sounds
made me shake
and the tears stung
I held my head by the ears
and sobbed
silently
I can't remember what brought on this endless
overwhelming
despair
but it consumes (me)

well then fly

if that's the way it works

I don't think you're supposed to write in the "mmmm"

hips swaying
Like a fifteen year old
that thinks she's sexy cause
she watches MTV
and she know that these moves mean
something
An occasional miss step
an off beat move
a face
reveals her truth
She's scared
And she doesn't really know
what she's asking for
with her poutty lips
and her, I believe the term is
"come hither"cologne
she liked the feel of his button up shirt
she likes his hands on her waist
but she doesn't know the rules
the way of the social animal
she doesn't know she's revealing too much
that her innocent smile is signing her
permission
in time
she will be aware
she'll have plans
and she'll be numbered among
the heartless
the ones who've had their cup filled

She can't have known for very long
that he was the one who would change her mind
that he was going to steal away with her worth
she just liked his smell
she didn't even know there was a phrase
"daddy issues"
and she thought broken hearts were glorious
and resolved in high quality romance
She didn't know it was mostly just going to get messy
and sticky
and smell like a Marriott hotel
and feel like yesterday's take out
over glorified Tso Chicken

Someone should tell little girls
that walking out of a party through a stairwell
 onto a street
wishing that cops would arrest you
and wishing that someone would hold you
and not ask why you were crying
is the real world
someone should tell them that
boys aren't prince charmings
to be trusted to save you from the
Jabberwocks of life
that heavy eyes
and emmotions that leave you shaking
on the ground
rolling in alone
would be a reality
a reality that would make you think twice
about leaving
the bastard that hits you
that chain smoking
quick with a bat bastard
the one you would kill for a friend
but would die for
just to never be alone.

She's back on that dance floor
hips swaying
innocent for the last time
about to be
broken.

a red knot

I'm thinking more like:
that reminds me, this isn't what I'm used to
this reminds me: of something I miss
I miss: my heart and my backdoor
and my window.
I listened to your thoughts and I heard nothing
but noise
loud colours, harsh shapes, and crystals
Your thoughts are growing
growing, and growing
with echoes and choruses
how can i keep up?
I was thinking something more like hello?
But I guess, I guess.......

real quick.

I stuck my head under the faucet and immediately
It struck me
I have bigger problems than this.

Rosemary and mint rushed past my ears
and I thought about dyslexia and disgraphics
and I thought of the irony of all those tests
I breathed in the mist and the ten dollar odors
and I remembered tears and beaches
bowling and fishing
and how those relate for me
Mermaid glass flashed in my memory and
my thoughts turned to storage.

like Birthdays

How about something happy
Something full of truth and brightness
Is truth bright?
Is there anything but lies in the happy endings
is there anything but falsehood in peace
ignorance: the blessed saints singing hymns
I say 'O' when I feel the acid rising
not for the vast scenery or deep beauties
O that hurts, and it's full of the past
Acid running over my hands
from my inside
i created this.
My creations are not half full
nothings empty
everything is erupting
blasting and bubbling
O, I miss
and O I think
and O I know
It's much less complicated
no awe
no above
O, but something happy
(next time)

With Power

it is this:
these hands wrapping around
         and twisting around
         and ripping around
my eyes. and my face
and my hair
and my past, and my thoughts
 pulling at the roots, and
pulling at my ideas, and beliefs
it's thinking O I should kneel
I should get down on my hands
on my knees, in my own pool of insanity
and I should ask, and I should plead, and I should speak
but when I get there
when I'm in the position of the humble, the faithful
when I'm down there I can't bow my head
I look up and think you don't deserve me
I crush my crosses and drink my tea
and breath in my Addictions
It's unsaintly
It's being angry and when I do speak
When I care to offer words
It's not respectful
It's not fearing
It's angry and it's fire
and I scream:
PROVE IT
get off your porch and show me you've got it
get off your stilts and fight me here
I can take you.
I can take you down.
And then I break and I'm back.
In my position of the beggar.
I open my eyes and I'm still on the bench
Holding a green book of songs and promises
and something has changed.
Instead of singing
I imagine throwing my book at the leaders
I imagine stripping the world away and dancing
on the fires of burnt words.
And then I open my real eyes
and she's still there reading the proclaimings
and Truths, and Realities
and I take a breath and take the steps to forget
and with out pretending I bow my head
and whisper Amen.