jump in.

mmmm I only write
when I have this dark feeling
but maybe this other feeling merits
words
hope?
mmm I hope so.
Instead of waiting to be hopeless
hmmm
I have a friend
and he is contagious
maybe you won't see your smile
but you'll feel it in your soul
just from looking
It's nice
it's a very alive feeling
that's (what I'm hoping for)
something like happiness to hold onto
something unchanging
To do with, nothing and no one
but internal worlds and
something smaller

like smelling peppermint.
or hot cider.
mmm (hold on)

Writer's Block: Hello again

Okay I'm embracing it
great change, and pure change, and
this change: I can  breathe
Almost time to pick up.
my feet, and my bags
So many directions
and lines
and connections
to places I was once secure
My anchors, drifting in antigravity
drifting in my past
no more new letters
no more new thoughts
no more new ideas
not here anyway
not now.

I wish I could write it out.
I wish I could mean my words.
again.

it's about truth.

O he was so very human
mostly flesh, and blood and bones
like the normal ones
He even had a face, and I heard tell of his heart. (once)
I heard tell of his soul,
and even his potential of a great desgin
Just, he was so very human

So he made mistakes
That fatal mistake of breathing in only oxygen
the mistake of circulating blood only through his brain
So much blood that he thought that that was being alive

He could feel, and he could see
 as was his right
But he made a mistake, one last mistake
The mistake of only being human

and then

They had already stuck me with their miracle cure
so it was too late
I felt I had been on the brink of something real
a revelation, an understanding
But they took that away from me

Now. Now I was falling
Soft empty space rolled around me
And I floated.
I could no longer see the injustice
I couldn't feel hurt
I was barely a consciousness
I was barely a heart beat
And then it faded

I felt it leak out
and it was gone fast
Nothing left inside of me but noise
Voices, and colours not my own,
and numbers
If I could just figure out this code
If I could find the answer
It would make sense
Time stopped and skipped
a cracked CD, and I almost had it
I could almost see the answer
I would solve everything
Just a few more moments
and then


They had already stuck me with their miracle cure
so it was too late
I felt I had been on the brink of something real
a revelation, an understanding
But they took that away from me

hit the door back.

If I sit very still
I notice that I'm not
I'm involuntarily rocking
I'm noticeably shaking

This.
       Is.
          Like.
                  Dying.
I am dramatic, and I am passionate
And I am a decent human being with faults
and cracks, and wrinkles
and you are not
You are a game player, and a piece mover
an opportunity maker
and as always a continuer
I knew these things once,
it just hurt more learning them again
it just left a mark this time
 and unfortunately
circumstance doesn't matter
reason doesn't chime
your logic is fatal
and I am done.

Have fun in the moment, one day the moments will pass.
and you'll be all alone.
With your this is why attitude.

get. out.

At least egg nogg is good.

O you like your christmas trees?
I bet a bunch of dead pagans are laughing in there graves
Did you know we Christians killed them for religion?
O how do they relate?
The tree? the pagans?
The wreaths?
It wasn't your idea, or even your Great and Terrible God's idea
it was the pagan, earth worshipers that decided that a tree
one that pointed to heaven was a sacred simple
and that shapes like eternal circles
Those satanic, barbaric, ignorant less than human...
O you like your star of David?
So do the Jews, and they killed your Jesus
God forbid we think about them
and that Jesus was a Jew, God Forbid
gift giving? that's no holy write?
But you didn't care about that did you?
You didn't care that the three Kings of old were descended by Muslims?
You just wanted to celebrate joy and peace and good will towards men?
You wanted to spend your money on loved ones, and sparkles, and the latest?
Excuse me I'll leave you to your Santa Claus then
becuae it's much less of a horrendous crime
and a completely ironic travistey if it's just about the lights and the candy
If we forget about Christ then I wont be so upset for those filthy pagans
Have a merry holiday. and God forid we remember why it's called Christmas.
Or were we got these traditions. God forbid.

God bless us. Everyone.

Love poems are for the dead or amature

no amount of distance in miles or years

will remove this deep feeling
this cold feeling
this empty buzzing feeling
from my core to my soul
There will never be a complete peace
a complete lack of memory
even the colours I remember will be a trigger
for something that maybe will feel just forgotten
on the tip of my tongue
It'll wake me up from a dream
in a sweat, and a chronic panic
and will slip into the dust before I can diagnose it
there is no cure
no eraser for the cliche

time heals on the outside only. 

Foreshadowing

Abuser isn't a good word for a poem
Preceded by I am an or I was an
Or I have been an
or I have developed certain unsavory qualities like that of an
just doesn't paint a pretty picture
even in songs clumped with words like
user, pain, and your worst nightmare
the tone is screeching and hateful
even if my words attempt to be innocent
and start with I don't think I am
or I never intended to be
it makes for a bad theme, or motto
Though I am not
I'm not.
And I loved you too
but your words manipulate my promises
and your words manipulate my motivations
and your words screw over my contentment
So perhaps I'll end up alone
and perhaps it'll be my own doing
pushing away the constant ones
and hiding with the fleeting
Perhaps you should of known better
I almost think I did
I almost think I warned you
I almost hope the anger will last
It just doesn't paint a pretty picture

doesn't mean anything.

I am proving a point
with a blunt feeling
       a sharp ending
       a soft idea
Who is right?
we use smoke, and screens
to fight the battle of illusions
to fight the concept
Who wins when no one will quit?
no one will submit?
It's a no loose situation
Causing a stalemate, a cold war
a tie
unacceptable to both sides
retaliated with cleverness, and wit
I'm proving a point
With words and silk
        mud and opinions
Who is right?

Haunted House

I'm afraid of the shivering behind my eyes
the quaking between my thoughts and my tears
I'm afraid of the shaking in my hands
 the twist of my wrists
 the twitch in my legs
I'm afraid of the ice in my heart
of the metal bars around my soul
of the screaming behind my ears
I am so terrified that you will ask me the right question
I am petrified at the thought of opening up
of letting go, of coming face to face with it.
I'm hiding behind the veils, and the masks
holding onto my crumbling face

I'm afraid to discover that he was right
that you were right
that they were right
that everyone who had an opinion was right
except for me
I'm afraid to understand that there is nothing else
that there is nothing more
that it is what the mirrors read
that my reflection has no sparkle
no gleam behind
nothing more but light and refraction
nothing more then fleeting attraction
nothing more than water and air

I am afraid that my love defines me
I'm afraid that it's all I have
I hold onto it with all my might
and I run from it with all my fears
I'm afraid that I'm loosing my self, and my mind, and my sanity
That I'm losing my direction, and my feet, and my answers
My surety is shaking to the point of chaos
of changing
of back and forth pacing

I'm afraid that I'm giving away too much
or maybe too little
I'm afraid I'll never be forgiven
That you'll never forget
that you'll never know the truth
That it will never be okay.


I'm not so brave.

How much?

i can't be paid to scream
but it's my career of choice


Loud and vicious.
heart wrenching and cold
fist clenching and iron
tearing and ceramic


I used to  do it often
daily even
on the hour
and then there came The Questions
only answerable with sighs, and gasps
not at all a satisfied and more and more craving
the loud
crashing, burn, of an indefinite howl
or an escapeing screech
opening the windows so more can hear..

but The Questions have a better idea
:hide your head in our pillow
in our brown bad
we'll discover
                      and translate
                      and disect
                      and Understand
your secrets.

I can't be paid to scream.
 but I can't be bought either.

Ringmaster

o let's walk down that road

the end of it will come eventually

the end of the line

the end of the wall

the edge of the cliff

and... CURTAIN!!

          We have a three lane circus

          Dangerous and alive, in between traffic

          Broken hearts in ring one

          and torture in the last two... 

o let's fly down that street 

we'll hit the end eventually 

we'll hit the end 

and then we'll explode

just

despairing.

Solitaire

I cannot atone for my sins

Because we wouldn't agree with what they were

I can't ask for your forgiveness

Because what I've done and what is wrong don't match

We played a quick game of cards

and even then we didn't agree
war or hearts?

Once I'm gone I think you'll see

with a new face, on a new clock

Time will keep moving and we'll all keep changing

in the same way

We won't forget

but eventually someone will win

I sing

Sometimes it's more about the darkness
It's more about that spot in the corner
the one that's never felt warmth
the place where secrets hide
where mirrors brake
there is no pain, only blood
only a memory of an injury
(that hasn't happened yet)
sometimes it's the only place with fresh air
it's the only place that feels real
the only place that doesn't taint reality
it's an honest despairing
it's a familiar sound

looks like plastic

scattered pearls on the mattress
purple and gold
silver hearts 
My identity on a card
in a bag
It couldn't have been more unnatural
that smiile, and those eyes
It couldn't have fit less
our hands making up, for the shapes
and images in the world
In our minds it was a lifetime
on the calender it was three days
forever shouldn't happen
to the dramatically impaired
I think we slipped on the minute hand
I think we fell into the future

sounds like heartache